Monday, April 7, 2008

Have I Got A Story For You

I might as well jump right on back into the blog with a giant splash. A great alternative title to this one would be The Bedroom Chronicles.

Why, yes, there will be talk of sex. Hide the children.

So. Yeah. Obviously, it's been a wicked long time since the husband was home last, and obviously it's been that long since I've had sex . . . So, obviously, birth control was the last thing on my mind until recently. Before I left Ohio, I paid a visit to the obgyn and got fitted for a diaphragm. I said good riddance to hormonal birth control long ago, and this seemed like a good option. I filled my prescription, packed it away in a box and didn't have a second thought about it.

And then, all of a sudden, homecoming rolled around. Huh. Imagine that. There we were, baby fast asleep ("Okay, sweetie, hurry up and go to bed early tonight, Mommy's gotta get laid!"), and the unopened diaphragm box sitting on the bed between us. The directions for this thing were like a phone book. The odds of failure were daunting. The entire situation was nothing but clinical. ("Yeah baby, welcome home. Now read these directions.")

In the end, alternative measures were taken and we had a lovely time. Or, as lovely as is to be expected after that experience and in light of what happened next.

Again, I obviously hadn't had sex recently, so I was completely unaware as to the wonderful side effects of breastfeeding.

Yes, those of you who have been there and done that and know exactly what I'm talking about can laugh at me now.

In my defense, it was really hot in our room. So, I don't think I was all that far off when I started thinking to myself that the husband was really sweating. A lot. Like, massive amounts. I made a mental note to rip on him afterwards. But, he got me first. Basking in that afterglow, he turned to me and said "You leaked all over me!"

Allllll over. I'm surprised he didn't drown in the puddle that was on the bed.

I could totally do without that lovely bodily function.

At least he thought it was funny.

Not nearly as funny as what happened the next morning though . . .

Being the wonderful husband he is, he took the child out to the living room to play while I slept for another few minutes. I woke up and rolled out of bed. As I turned around to grab something off the night stand I saw something that makes me still want to throw up a little whenever I think about it.

Crawling out from under my pillow . . . giant, brown, filthy, nasty . . . a three inch long cockroach.

I screamed so loud that instantly the baby started cry and the husband came running. They found me jumping around like a manic trying to smash that bastard bug with a toilet paper roll.

I'm ashamed to say he got away. Hopefully he found some tasty roach bait and is dead in a corner somewhere tonight. If he's not, he will be, because we've finally got the exterminators coming out. This horrible excuse for a livable rental house is driving me insane, and that is just the first step in not having my skin crawl just by sitting on the couch. Bastards are all going to die!

And that, my friends, is The Bedroom Chronicles.


Law Student Hot Mama said...

Man this dry spell is KILLING me . . . I think I'm going to forget what man parts are supposed to look like before it's over. *sigh*

Also, EWWW on the roach. I'm so grossed out by roaches and I hate how many of them there are and how you know that when you see 1 there are like 100 more crawling around your house somewhere. Just EWW. I'm shuddering for you.

Kristen said...

Oh goody, more fun things I get to look forward to with the pregnancy and motherhood!

Kellie said...


Okay. Sorry. It's wrong of me to laugh.

The roach?! Gross. I worked in a male max. security prison and had never seen a roach until then. We wouldn't bring our purses in for fear of a roach crawling inside; we'd stash things like umbrellas, tampons, etc. in a crisper drawer of the fridge. The sight of one would make my skin crawl for hours. Talking about one made my skin crawl.

Sorta like now.

That Girl said...

that's funny & that's gross.

Cass said...

Okay the roach is just awful - I have the hebegebes just thinking about it.

I'm glad you mentioned this whole "leak" situation at least I will know that this could happen and won't be scared.

Katie said...

A roach crawling out from under my pillow is like my worst nightmare realized!!

I would have FLIPPED. OUT.

Yay exterminators!

Kim said...

It sounds like you had an eventful homecoming.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Oh, damn! I'm laughing so hard I've snorted tea out my nose! And the cockroach? From under the pillow. Dear God, I would have lost my damned mind. Glad you survived! :-)

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

The sex thing? FUNNY!

The leaking thing? Natural but still not fantasatic!

The roach? GOOD LORD!!!

Hallie :)

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

I've been laughing at this for nearly two days now and still haven't come up with a suitable comment. So, um, I'll just say that at least you'll always remember that time your husband came home from war. Even if it was for all the wrong reasons.

On a totally unrelated note, I just heard from someone else that they too have to wait eons for your blog to load. So, I'm thinking maybe it isn't just my computer of major sucktitude. I don't know what it is, but something is bogging it down.

jayna said...

Glad I could provide you all with some entertainment :-)

And yeah, BBM, lately I've been hearing that it's bogging down. It may be my background, or maybe something else. I don't know. But, there's a big move coming up in the next week or so to a new home, so I'm not going to mess with anything right now. Gotta find some new digs since it really isn't my longest year anymore!

Veronica said...

The JOYS of breastfeeding. Heh.

Also, I got fitted for a diaphragm. Probably about a week before getting pregnant. Maybe forgetting to put it in was a bad idea.

Jenn said...

Diaphrams and breast milk and cockroaches...oh my! I laughed so hard, if I was drinking something it might have come out my nose! Glad your homecoming was eventful, one way or another!

JaniceNW said...

The leaking never bothered us. It amde feel even sexier. Ok so I'm wierd. The cockroach? EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! I went to university in San Diego(aeons ago) and we had cockroaches in the shower. Never failed to freak me out. I can do spiders, snakes, scorpions but cockroaches are creeeeepy.

Kelley said...

a sweet man in a kilt sent me the link to your post. Thought I might get a kick out of it.

And I laughed so much I peed a little. Not laughing AT you, but with you... nah, laughing at you.


Dawn @ Coming to a Nursery Near You said...

omg om g o m g

lol 1st post of yours that I've read LOL

I leaked like crazy with #1 also. lol