Sunday, December 23, 2007

The hacksaw won . . .

How to put up a Christmas tree.

It should go a little something like this - take tree out of box, fluff branches, plug in lights, decorate.

It should not go like this . . . .

Take tree down from roof of car.
Slip on ice and bust your ass.
Curse tree.
Curse ice.
Haul tree into garage.
Set up ladder.
Climb ladder to rafters to dig out tree stand.
Find tree stand, but cause cascade of boxes to fall as well.
Curse boxes.
Put ladder away.
Set tree in stand.
See branches that need to be cut off.
Search for hand saw.
Find hacksaw instead.
Lay tree on ground and start sawing.
Slice index finger open - where it bends, of course.
Get blood everywhere.
Curse tree.
Curse saw.
Curse sap that is way too close to wound.
Start sawing again.
Pull branches away and hope it fits.
Stick tree in stand.
Start turning screws.
Realize that tree is too small and inside ring is turning.
Take screws out.
Try again.
Take screws out.
Try again.
Take screws out.
Try again.
Realize a second person would really help.
See that one hole is on longer threaded.
Decide not to care.
Tighten screws.
Decide tree wobbling a few inches here and there isn't that bad.
Carry tree inside.
Get needles EVERYWHERE.
Step in needles.
Curse tree.
Curse needles.
Set tree in place.
Command tree not to move.
Scrub sap off hands.
Keep scrubbing.
More scrubbing.
Curse sap.
Bandage finger.
Curse hacksaw again.
Look at lights that need to be strung.
Realize that this isn't even your tree and you just did all that to surprise someone who is probably going to complain that the tree is in the wrong spot or something.
Curse your own generous spirit.

E says "Hey mama, this looks so much easier!"

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